But after the opening scene, in which Kaulder - elaborately bearded and clad in macho furry armor, like a Brooklyn bartender who joined the Night’s Watch - leads a band of ancient warriors into a witch’s den to kill off a witch queen, there’s disappointingly little actual witch hunting. The movie stars Vin Diesel as Kaulder, an immortal badass who for 800 years has enforced a truce between humans and witches at the behest of a shadowy group known as the Axe and Cross. But the most glaring flaw of all is even more basic than any of that: There’s not nearly enough witch hunting. So instead, there's a moment in which Chloe literally begs Kaulder to keep going, pleading, "The world needs you! I need you!" as he makes a choice that renders a lot of the drama that came before pointless.The Last Witch Hunter has a lot of flaws: its plodding pace, its lazy direction, its muddled story, its hopelessly expository dialogue. The whole thing would, in anyone else's hands, set up Kaulder getting to live life as a mortal, to age, and to die, except that wouldn't allow Diesel to continue playing the character as superhuman, were the film to get the sequel the actor claims is already in the works. The movie's overall arc involves a revelation about Kaulder's curse and a conspiracy to bring the Witch Queen back. And The Last Witch Hunter ends on a particularly ridiculous "this will be a series, dammit" note. His weaknesses include preferring to work alone and getting a little lonely between picking up flight attendants, which are so barely weaknesses that the movie has to invent a grand betrayal to allow for any conflict.ĭiesel loves his franchises - he fought to make the third Riddick film happen even when most of the rest of the world seemed pretty ready to let that character go. He is a cheat code incarnate, hilariously indulgent, and his hobby is fixing watches, as if the whole man-out-of-time thing needed a visual metaphor to really hammer it home. He's "cursed" with immortality, his wounds healing as soon as they're inflicted, so he's, by his own admission, never afraid. He works for some organization within the Catholic Church called the Axe and the Cross, mostly so that they can refer to him in whispers as "the Weapon" and assign him a Buffy-style handler called a Dolan who keeps a history of all of his badass adventures (Michael Caine, then Elijah Wood). Kaulder has infinite money, tasteful designer clothes, and a closet full of magical items.
Yes, Dom in the Fast & Furious seems like a character who's indestructible and never wrong, but he has nothing on Kaulder.
Present-day Kaulder is the manliest man to have ever lived forever in an extremely lavish apartment overlooking Central Park and fight using a flaming sword.
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